when i think about my future

yup. back again after having ALSA debate competition in jakarta. it's really nice anyway since i learned lotta things during this competition. i could feel my emotions blended terribly before and after debating, the more so when i hafta wait for adjudication time that is like a WHOOOOAAA to me. however, it's totally cool when we knew that we could go to quarter finals. i promise to myself that i oughta fall for debate till i get addicted to it like crazy ( hmm?? ga jelas?? ) hahahah. semangat!

anyway, for the tittle goes....

" i dunno what the future brings" - daniel beddingfield

future! , hm such a moz thought and considered and prioritized thing in head.i always think about my future everywhere, everytime from the hours or minutes or even seconds before falling down asleep , in my sleep, to time when i first open my eyes in the morning. it seems to pop again and all over again all the time. As i lately like to discus about the future wid anyone wid every single supportive thing inside the conversation, i's like to wake me up when in our discussion we find a flow to sumthing more wanted and wished in the future ( beside , for me, prosperity, welfare, super clinic, super dentist, gratifying stuffs for my dad and mam and all my huge family) which is... marriage and children. it's like a " WHAAAAAAAAAAT!" to me anyway. i dunno why when my friends start talking about marriage and having children to feed and to upbring wid blushing-rosy-cheeks face ,my mind always thinks that it's not a really-important thing to discuss what so ever. sometimes what they tell seems to always be bla-bla-bla- bla in my mind. means that if they say these damn no important things , such as , " oh such a happy life to have a cute babe " - "whoooaaa im so curious how my children's look will be.. muz be as cute as me" - ", hmm ... no no , if i have a son , his eyes muz be like his father AAAAAAAAAAA!! yahhh.." - " so , i wanna have a daughter who could resemble me in other way or even same way.. saying,,yes mini-me..hahahaha" - it could be " WHOAAAA bla bla bla , bla bla whatever" - " oh really?? you wish??" - " whata hell, are you okay " - " what?? !! " - " big whatever !" in my mind.

" i dun belive in marriage guysss . sorry" - me,myself, and i

this i-dun-believe-in-marriage could be a big question that i gotta ask to myself?
Q: WHY SO?
me: i dunno. so??
Q: HOW COULD YOU THINK THIS WAY?
me: i dunno HOW?
Q: ARE YOU OKAY?? OR YOU HAVE YOUR GENDER PERFERENCE CHANGE? ERRR ARE YOU LESBO?
me: ahhh, yes im okay. no, i still love hotty boys. oh nooo nooo im still damn straight!
Q: SO?? WHY?
me: ohhhh #%^%&*&()*()&^$%##@#$@#$#$@#$@ i dunnoooooo. dun ask me dat much @$%#$%^%&^*^$%$%#$#$@

yes really. i dunno why i dun believe in marrige like freak.marriage is juz like a super big thing to me that im not sure i can handle. i see what comes and happen arround in one's wedlocks, marriage is juz like thousands tons ball that already carried on their back , that they should maintain, treat or even beautify.see how much i fear of marriage, when everyone tries to hook up other one, i only think it's not what i suppose to do rite now.when evryone thinks babes are all cute and they wanna have one, i only can think yes babes are cute but i aint supposed to have one.when everyone thinks about their happy life with their hubby, wife and children, i can only say yes it's nice but i dun really have to marry sumone to have a happy life.when evryone think negative about me due to this mistrust , i can only say a beautiful and comforting thing,-yes whatever-.

Can you imagine. when you have hubby, you cant do whatever you want, like, hang out with sum friends in a very nice way , not like a tupperware party which wives always have in weekend with her " other-mama-friend". ohhh horifying!! it's like a group of nannies laughing with their cocktails and dancing arround wid their osteophorosis. woooow. damn.

can you imagine again. when you have sum conflict with you hubby, it's juz like to delete or erase you love till 40 days ahead or delete your sweet romantic time that you did in that 2-3 months.it's so wacky! how come you can come up with your weird " new memmory" and ignoring your hubby as if you had no kiss and hugs from him for such a long time, it's even only several days you didnt.ho ho ho

imagine again about the chaostic that will happen to your house by your children.
SONS . S-O-N-S oh horible.. THEY
-like to whine up like hell.
-always wanna be a center of attentions
-can be a terribly-egois-growing-up-lil-boys that what they want should be always fulfilled. if we dun , ohhhh juz wait and see what will come arround in your house!!!!!!! they will wreck! crack! break! everything arround them.no no no
- like to jump, act like super hero, try to fly whatever it may be , YET, they totally have HUge tendency to fractures, weepy, possibility of injuries is SIGNIFICANTLY BIG even if for pottr accident.
- seem damn testosterony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seeeeeee. hyperactive.oh hyperactive.
- when they grow up and become a boy. yes i bet my son will be cute ( if i could only have hahaha), it will make a greater problem on how they make a nice or even gross relationhip with sum girls. oh no their mama will get their aging faster than ever. and other thing is when they become damn rebellious and have their transision time gone wrong. it wil create sum identity confusion and bear a harm back to the parents.
- are ONES that i dun wanna live with. im sorry for now.

DAUGHTER.. yes be good to your daughter. THEY>>
- like to dress up like older one
-like to whine up like insane
- are hard to listen to their parents
- are very easy to accept the bad influence
- are sensitive, weepy, egois
- when they grow up and become a cute girl, i fear so bad on how her boy friends behave to her and how make their relationship. will they be as polite as the parent or misled by sum bad guys or friends using drugs or even setting free sex on their life? will they go out of house with cheating behind the parents? will they kiss a boy @ the age of 13 ? NOOOO WAYYY


somehow i cant pretend that i like them in different side of view. i used to be UNICEF YOUNG LEADER, i used to like to associate to children, i like to see children smiling, laughing, playing. BUt what i dun want is just to have a MARRIAGE AND OWN CHILDREN coz i've considered thinking about what happen to my world if i have hubby and my children. will i be an irresponsible mama? will i juz leave my children grow that derelict?

sumtimes i like to tickle my mind and notion with sum counter intention to try so hard to change all thz mistrust.but sumtimes, i cant, really. sum other time , i think everything needs a procces and proccess needs time. and it take any longer time as it aint easy as you juzt wink your eyes.it's your paradigm hellllooo.. that you wanna change.so it need sum long time to change.

question again in my head.
Q: WILL U JUZ CHANGE YOUr MIND?
me: im not sure i can
Q: WILL YOU JUZ TRY TO?
me: im not sure. but yes i will try...

*white flags