when i think about my future

yup. back again after having ALSA debate competition in jakarta. it's really nice anyway since i learned lotta things during this competition. i could feel my emotions blended terribly before and after debating, the more so when i hafta wait for adjudication time that is like a WHOOOOAAA to me. however, it's totally cool when we knew that we could go to quarter finals. i promise to myself that i oughta fall for debate till i get addicted to it like crazy ( hmm?? ga jelas?? ) hahahah. semangat!

anyway, for the tittle goes....

" i dunno what the future brings" - daniel beddingfield

future! , hm such a moz thought and considered and prioritized thing in head.i always think about my future everywhere, everytime from the hours or minutes or even seconds before falling down asleep , in my sleep, to time when i first open my eyes in the morning. it seems to pop again and all over again all the time. As i lately like to discus about the future wid anyone wid every single supportive thing inside the conversation, i's like to wake me up when in our discussion we find a flow to sumthing more wanted and wished in the future ( beside , for me, prosperity, welfare, super clinic, super dentist, gratifying stuffs for my dad and mam and all my huge family) which is... marriage and children. it's like a " WHAAAAAAAAAAT!" to me anyway. i dunno why when my friends start talking about marriage and having children to feed and to upbring wid blushing-rosy-cheeks face ,my mind always thinks that it's not a really-important thing to discuss what so ever. sometimes what they tell seems to always be bla-bla-bla- bla in my mind. means that if they say these damn no important things , such as , " oh such a happy life to have a cute babe " - "whoooaaa im so curious how my children's look will be.. muz be as cute as me" - ", hmm ... no no , if i have a son , his eyes muz be like his father AAAAAAAAAAA!! yahhh.." - " so , i wanna have a daughter who could resemble me in other way or even same way.. saying,,yes mini-me..hahahaha" - it could be " WHOAAAA bla bla bla , bla bla whatever" - " oh really?? you wish??" - " whata hell, are you okay " - " what?? !! " - " big whatever !" in my mind.

" i dun belive in marriage guysss . sorry" - me,myself, and i

this i-dun-believe-in-marriage could be a big question that i gotta ask to myself?
Q: WHY SO?
me: i dunno. so??
Q: HOW COULD YOU THINK THIS WAY?
me: i dunno HOW?
Q: ARE YOU OKAY?? OR YOU HAVE YOUR GENDER PERFERENCE CHANGE? ERRR ARE YOU LESBO?
me: ahhh, yes im okay. no, i still love hotty boys. oh nooo nooo im still damn straight!
Q: SO?? WHY?
me: ohhhh #%^%&*&()*()&^$%##@#$@#$#$@#$@ i dunnoooooo. dun ask me dat much @$%#$%^%&^*^$%$%#$#$@

yes really. i dunno why i dun believe in marrige like freak.marriage is juz like a super big thing to me that im not sure i can handle. i see what comes and happen arround in one's wedlocks, marriage is juz like thousands tons ball that already carried on their back , that they should maintain, treat or even beautify.see how much i fear of marriage, when everyone tries to hook up other one, i only think it's not what i suppose to do rite now.when evryone thinks babes are all cute and they wanna have one, i only can think yes babes are cute but i aint supposed to have one.when everyone thinks about their happy life with their hubby, wife and children, i can only say yes it's nice but i dun really have to marry sumone to have a happy life.when evryone think negative about me due to this mistrust , i can only say a beautiful and comforting thing,-yes whatever-.

Can you imagine. when you have hubby, you cant do whatever you want, like, hang out with sum friends in a very nice way , not like a tupperware party which wives always have in weekend with her " other-mama-friend". ohhh horifying!! it's like a group of nannies laughing with their cocktails and dancing arround wid their osteophorosis. woooow. damn.

can you imagine again. when you have sum conflict with you hubby, it's juz like to delete or erase you love till 40 days ahead or delete your sweet romantic time that you did in that 2-3 months.it's so wacky! how come you can come up with your weird " new memmory" and ignoring your hubby as if you had no kiss and hugs from him for such a long time, it's even only several days you didnt.ho ho ho

imagine again about the chaostic that will happen to your house by your children.
SONS . S-O-N-S oh horible.. THEY
-like to whine up like hell.
-always wanna be a center of attentions
-can be a terribly-egois-growing-up-lil-boys that what they want should be always fulfilled. if we dun , ohhhh juz wait and see what will come arround in your house!!!!!!! they will wreck! crack! break! everything arround them.no no no
- like to jump, act like super hero, try to fly whatever it may be , YET, they totally have HUge tendency to fractures, weepy, possibility of injuries is SIGNIFICANTLY BIG even if for pottr accident.
- seem damn testosterony!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seeeeeee. hyperactive.oh hyperactive.
- when they grow up and become a boy. yes i bet my son will be cute ( if i could only have hahaha), it will make a greater problem on how they make a nice or even gross relationhip with sum girls. oh no their mama will get their aging faster than ever. and other thing is when they become damn rebellious and have their transision time gone wrong. it wil create sum identity confusion and bear a harm back to the parents.
- are ONES that i dun wanna live with. im sorry for now.

DAUGHTER.. yes be good to your daughter. THEY>>
- like to dress up like older one
-like to whine up like insane
- are hard to listen to their parents
- are very easy to accept the bad influence
- are sensitive, weepy, egois
- when they grow up and become a cute girl, i fear so bad on how her boy friends behave to her and how make their relationship. will they be as polite as the parent or misled by sum bad guys or friends using drugs or even setting free sex on their life? will they go out of house with cheating behind the parents? will they kiss a boy @ the age of 13 ? NOOOO WAYYY


somehow i cant pretend that i like them in different side of view. i used to be UNICEF YOUNG LEADER, i used to like to associate to children, i like to see children smiling, laughing, playing. BUt what i dun want is just to have a MARRIAGE AND OWN CHILDREN coz i've considered thinking about what happen to my world if i have hubby and my children. will i be an irresponsible mama? will i juz leave my children grow that derelict?

sumtimes i like to tickle my mind and notion with sum counter intention to try so hard to change all thz mistrust.but sumtimes, i cant, really. sum other time , i think everything needs a procces and proccess needs time. and it take any longer time as it aint easy as you juzt wink your eyes.it's your paradigm hellllooo.. that you wanna change.so it need sum long time to change.

question again in my head.
Q: WILL U JUZ CHANGE YOUr MIND?
me: im not sure i can
Q: WILL YOU JUZ TRY TO?
me: im not sure. but yes i will try...

*white flags

right time to be more serious with studyin stuffs

im in such a hive for getting sum more depression factors from sum academic announcement as a warning and tragic wake up call for sum-listed-students who are in danger of pre-drop-out system. it's like to scream my lung out when i found my name in sum-listed-students-list. uooh.. it's like a huge slap for me.i fell into pieces to see how this system works.yes it works to break all students's heart. however, no matter how embrassing and humiliating this reawakening, i still should keep struggling for paying off all unachieved grade level in every block i failed. i realized dat i played too much in semester 2 which i failed all blocks to make up. damn, and now i cant stop damning all distractions dat i dunno what they were actually. it's such a super regret for me to leave all semester-2-blocks that derelict.now all i can do is juz keep trying to manage all of blocks with super duper attention as i shuld have considered thinkin about the consequences for being in this fucking list which it allows students to not getting in the next grade/year, it means also that if we dun really achieve"what it appeals and requires for allowing student to walk straight into the next grade" we may suppose to get stuck in damn same year and class as under or lower batch's . it's like a most suffering hell oooohhh. ya, now, again, i have to cheer up and take it as a great concern since im just like to stand nearby dragon's mouth or like sitting on a tip of sword * i know it's super exaggerating but really it's what i feel*. semangat semangat!!!!

another interesting moment i have in this week is my sister's birthday celebration. we didnt have sum cool party actually which full of girls and boys frens dancing on the floor. only we both celebrated it. my lil sis didnt wanna have a complicated stuffs on his birthday celebration like party or hanging out with friends.yes we know how birthday party is like. whoaa.. we already experienced it. well, chaos everywhere. haha, it's not like a real chaos anyway, juz preety better yet it's still sorta annoying and exhausting, that's why she decided to not having a party for her 18. yes sister, it's really no problem,really, as what we should rely on is - being older means we have greater responsibility for ourselves- . it's all about being mature and leaving all damn annoying attitude and kiddies thought. believe me.

anyway, i juz watched american idol result show for this week. and oh shit bananas.. MICHAEL JOHNS was eliminated!!! whata ugly result i know this far. why should him??? huhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhuhhuhuhu. the judges seemed shook of this result and the more so am i!.he sang very good song and he's so charming out there, but why should he leave the stage?? T.T again, WHY!!!?? i think there sum fuckin worse performances from other idols, but why should he leave? why?? please American.. do vote the good one.please.

okie then. i think im sorta uncreative for tonite. i have no idea to tell. under more pressure of debate competition which coming soon, all i can do is juz try my best. * anyway, inside my heart keep wishpering me to hope we wont go to DC huu since i feel bad of this.weird*

semangat semangat!!

new stuffs come arround.

huhu, " ayolah , semangat lagi lah... " ; i've been hearing this ayolah-semangat-lagi-lah so often during this week. after getting miserable for exams, academic announcement which likely to warn or confront or even eat me , clinical week that is stressful enuff for me , sum clash with sister and all boredom invasion, and here i come to my new reparation action for myself. hehe . from the term of reparation which means so wide and yaaa hears like to gettin hurt or broken , i find out myself in a very serious boring syndromme that I START CHANGING THE MEASUREMENT OF "HOT ones/stuffs " LEVEL. it's perfectly weird. for more facts on my preference transformation please see ths-crackpot fool's confession below;

- i think i like sumone now hahaha . his name is DAVI - TEENS singer from Malaysia- again ,he's only a teenager , absolutely younger than me , looks so cute and so TEEN , but i think he's HOT enuff.why i like him like crazy???!!!! gyaaaaaaaa!!! when i gotta think and convince myself for sort that i wasnt normal enuff to adore that kid, but what 's always popping in my mind is " alrite, DAVI is young yet HOt and i should elevate his HOT level equal with RICHARD KEVIN. O.o am i terribly getting insane due to all pressure or what?? CARELINE!!! please help me. <--- this is what i called by -I START CHANGING THE MEASUREMENT OF "HOT ones/stuffs " LEVEL- queeeeeeeer

other confs...

- i like to talk to myself while reflecting on the mirror or even while taking pee or poo in toilet, and much worse , anywhere while doing anything but in bit quiet situation or home alone , lately yes. i mumble anything. sounds so crazy but i dunno why i really enjoy it so much. it's like my quality time with another piece of me.can anyone explain what's actually happening to?? - i dunno what happened to me last 2 days. i had a clash wid sister and i dunno why other part of me wanted me to do sum physical action to slap or even hit her with my hand or sumthing. i lost myself at that time. my health mind flew to sumwhere, and being evil to me. it's like to have 2 Esti , the evil and the angel one. the evil or my dark and shit side wanted me to torture my sis for giving some deterrence effect, but other side, the angel me , wanted me to stay focusing on my basic nature that i wouldnt be that notorious. i guess, the angel-me won and i didnt do anything with my hand but only getting fussy for sort with sum whatever advise. hehe

- and again, i become a perfect complainer. it's like to whine up on every dissatisfaction or inconvenience. hence my favorite start for convs is " ah,,,,, im sick of it" or " WTF, how come/could? " or " ahhhh- it's not supposed to be like that if you lemme do iit" or " hey you!!!! gimmmeeee!!" or other nauseating whining( you can have em on your head, huhu yucky rite??)

enuff for confessions.

now i m gonna show more pics taken during this 2-almost-3 weeks, when i got no idea to think bout the answer of sum exams questions examples, when i gotta be acting like a photographer every time i saw good spot to snap, when i was getting stupidly bored of all exams materials, when i got no one to take sum pic of mine, when i have special disintegrated emotions explosion, when i again tried to produce sumthing from my boredom, here you come, picturessssss....


it's not a good naration actually, so please dun try to do this way hehe


walked and remembered that this kiddie thingy used to be my fav play in my sweet childhood

frens came and said " take my pic ! " i then took, but when i wanted them to take mine , they said " busy sorry " T.T darn


" ah okie, wth! serus problems actually come from parotis glands, and the worst position of malocclusion is on skeletal , arrrrrgggghhhhhhh sick !!!! " -- better to go takin pic -- haha


i need to cut my hair !!!!!!!!gyaaaaaaa!! orang gila
i thought i was cute enuff in that morning. ops, not only that morning, but.. every morning.

okie then, i think that's all i can share. well, im bit tired for preparing ALSA debate competition. whatever, i wont give up.semangat!

c l8er